The not-so-very-Yangzhuo Chao Fan

SHEESH!
I've been VERY busy lately... wasn't able to post shit here. My days were taken away from me... But meh, Christmas break was fun.
I forgot... HAPPY NEW YEAR!

And as a new year post, I'd post my favorite dish! It's my favorite dish because you only need to use a spoon to eat it! (I'm a really lazy person... ... ... I hate fish. It takes sooo much effort eating them.)

Beyond here lies my recipe for my fried rice.

Ingredients and/or materials (and why you should use it):
[I don't really care how much of something you use. Just be random!]
 1. Iodized Salt (It makes your food salty. Your main source of iodine. I prefer it over rock salt because I dislike chewing on pebbles.)
 2. Pepper (It makes food pepper-y. It's a very good source of vitamin C - Capsaicin lol... K. not funny. But srsly, it has more VitC than an orange.)
 3. Garlic (It makes le food garlic-y. Use it because it has GAR in it. No, but it helps fight atherosclerosis and high blood pressure. Funny how you'll be cooking it in OIL.)
 4. Oil or Margarine (Aside from being a good source of cholesterol, it helps you in cleaning the frying pan because it doesn't let the food you cook stick to le pan.)
 5. RICE (Just try making fried rice without this... I prefer rice from 5 hours ago or more. The one they left in the fridge because I wake up in the afternoon. It's easier to mix because it already lost its SQUISHYness.)
 6. Whatever MEAT (Left-overs from last night's drinking session. You can use hotdogs or anything.)
 7. SOY SAUCE! (It's just sauce made from soy beans...)
 8. THE WOK (Life's so much easier because the Chinese created this amazing contraption. Oh did I say that it's bulletproof? ...against a handgun. It's practically the most ideal weapon in a zombie apocalypse.)
 9. Your favorite spatula (But if you're CHUCK-effin'-NORRIS, you can cook this with your eyebrows!)

Optional Ingredients and materials.
 1. Eggs (You might want to use this if you're after a very loose consistency. I warn you though that eggs are high in protein and when mixed with food, they make your food's shelf life MUCH SHORTER. Eat it immediately after cooking.)
 2. Pet dog or cat (No you wouldn't be throwing them in the mix. I use them to clean my counter-top. They're very good cleaners. You leave them, and they eat everything edible... though they don't eat garlic and a bunch of other stuffs.)
 3. The Golden Spatula (Doesn't really change anything.)
 4. Veggies (diced: may be carrots, peas, onions, shallots, whatever.)

that's GARlic... and salt 'n peps

LE STEPS!
1. Loosen the rice using your hands. Don't be too blonde about this. You can wash your hands afterwards.

 

 This was in the fridge for about an hour or so...

2. Chop the garlic.

3. Heat the wok.

 

4. Put oil or margarine in it. (a teaspoon of oil will do as long as you spread it in the pan.)

 

 5. Throw in the garlic.

6. After the garlic turns brown, put it aside.

 7. Remove the bones from your whatever MEAT because we don't really chew bones do we?

 I think these are patties and a porkchop...

 8. Dispose of the bone...

...using your optional cleaning tool number 2: pets

9. Chop the meat into little pieces.

10. Put some more oil or margarine.

11. Send in the kraken meat. And heat it until it suites your taste. (We're actually letting the taste of the meat go into the oil so that the oil may coat the rice grains afterwards.) If you have veggies, add them now.

 12. Rice (If you choose to add eggs, do it NAO! Set the meat aside first before you mix the eggs with the rice.)

 13. Mix thoroughly

14. Add in the soy sauce, garlic, salt, and pepper. (How much you put in depends on you.)

15. Mix it again.
(The quality of fried rice actually depends on how you mix the rice. The goal of frying rice is to evenly distribute the taste of the oil and the other ingredients to each grain of rice. So the more you mix it, the better... It'll strain your arms though.)

16. ~Serve!

I usually put it in a small Lock&Lock and bring it wherever I go because I often go hungry. And... yes, I always have a spoon in my bag.

Note that if you add eggs, you'll turn this into a Yangzhuo chao fan [Fried Rice of Yangzhuo] (you pronounce Yangzhuo as yeung-chiao... -__-" I hated Mandarin because of translations...)

You can add vegetables as long as they're diced into small pieces.